my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
