Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
