connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
