My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
