I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
