Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
