I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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