you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
