I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize