News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
