Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
