my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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