final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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