screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize