once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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