So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
