Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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