First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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