my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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