My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
