I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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