If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
