I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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