Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
