I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
