probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize