hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
