I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
