I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
