but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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