I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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