someone threw a dead crab at me
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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