i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
