There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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