I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
