Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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