I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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