I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
