how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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