I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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