Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
