I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
