Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I want a musical about memes.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
