Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
