I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
