I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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