you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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