OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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