i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Hippo gnu deer
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize