I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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