I wish my penis had an off switch
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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