i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
