Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
