My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
