her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
