I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
