Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
