My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
