some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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