where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
