Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
