Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
