my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
