I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
