I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
