You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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